May 12, 2009

Autonomy

As I sit here at work, writing sex toy descriptions, I can't help but wonder…what else is out there? I mean, there are so many different things one can choose to do with their life, as far as where you want to live, what job you want to work, what you want to be educated in. I thought once I got my bachelor's I'd be done wondering where I fit in with the world. I like to write, so I got a degree in writing--and that was that. I thought I would settle into a fun writing job, make decent money (ya know, because I am qualified), be successful, and live happily ever after. Well, here I am, only 1.5 years after graduating, and I am already feeling restless. It's clear to me, now, that this life isn't going to satisfy me for long. I'm okay with the routine, I'm not UNhappy, nor am I upset about the way things are unfolding. But I know there's more. There's more for me to be learning. There's more of a difference to be made. I would be flattered to know that my compelling copy about dildos is moving enough to make someone out there want to purchase it. But a significant difference with a positive outcome would ultimately be more satisfying.

The point of this life, as defined by me, is to take the experiences you've had (good and bad) and use your knowledge for the greater good; it's not to make the most money the quickest or get rich by doing the least amount of work possible. I don't want a fancy house or lots of tangible things. I'd rather be passionate about my work--I would like to know that somewhere down the chain, someone is benefiting from words I have written, or that someone is inspired to do something positive because of me.

Because of this shift in mood, I think it's necessary for me to continue my education…to catch up on my intellectual autonomy. I like animals, love the environment and support many humanitarian efforts, but the catalyst that's going to bring me to the level I want to be at, is still unclear. HOW can I write something strong enough to make someone cry? HOW can I learn to document my personal experiences without feeling like I am giving myself away? HOW can I support these things I believe in using only the written word? I think these things can be learned with some more writing practice. The faculty at Weber State served as a good platform, but there's more knowledge hiding around other corners, and it's begging to leap into my head! Okay --lame metaphor. Sorry. Anyway, I feel like undergraduate work is just a starting point--or for me at least. It basically built the framework and helped me realize what I believe in.

Now, on to an MFA or PhD. Possibly. Some day. Seriously, though, if I ever did get a doctorate, I would make people call me Dr. Ross. The creative writing program at U of U is prestigious…to say the least. It's small and selective and I have no idea if I would ever be good enough for it. But for now, I think it'd be fun to take some higher level classes…or even just to brush up on some basic intro lit classes as a non-degree seeking student. I never felt like I read enough and I definitely could catch up on some classics. I won't lie--I cheated my way through some classes by skipping the book and reading the summaries…don't judge, it got hectic. I need to start reading again for my sanity. I am always surprised at the amount of good advice that comes from old books. Getting back to the basics is the best feeling. Anyway, I will keep friends and family posted on my academic decisions…Lord knows where I will get the money to go back to school. I have no debt now, so the thought of loans scares me.

It seems scattered, but nonetheless, this is basically what's going on inside my crazy writer's brain. This is my personality--I can't relax for long and it's hard for me to enjoy the fruits of my labor; that's a blessing and a curse, depending on what way you look at it. I commend those who are doing what they want and feel immeasurable satisfaction from it. I hope to be in the same position some day!

As a side note, I am grateful to have a job. I go to work and I have a blast (thanks to the characters who I work with). I'm not complaining about this place or this job, per se, just describing how it's not my choice for eternal employment. I am not talking crap on those copywriters who enjoy writing sex toy descriptions. To each their own!

I think it's hilarious how many times I said "I" in this rant…ohp sorry, there I go again.

3 comments:

Casey and Winter Rowland said...

I love your post today it made me laugh. Not reall what you said but the pictures that you attached to it.
Dont worry I know you will be happy with where you are one day you are meant for something big and you deep down you know that so until you get there you will be pushing yourself.

Crystal Bo Bistol said...

Ah thanks, sweetness.
The links make it more lighthearted...that way I remember not to take myself so seriously.
xo

Andrea said...

The I heart sex toys picture made me laugh! I love it!
I hear ya, Crystal. I love working here, but I miss being in school. I miss feeling like I'm learning and discovering and evolving. I've been thinking of going to grad school too, but my problem is the opposite of yours: I have too many debts already!
What is this article that you're getting published? I would love to read some of your stuff sometime!